Where silver willows grow...

Lazy Lazy Lazy

2009-09-23T23:22:00.002-04:00

February ? And here it's almost October.... good gods!
Let's see what has happened.... I'm still unemployed, still searching for the bird that would make his nest on my limbs (that's sounds kinda Horror film like) I'm desperately addicted to making chainmaille and did a few art shows here and there through the summer.

I think a rewind is necessary.

Currently I am single... there are two that are always in my watchful eye, I swear both of them want their cake and the ability to eat it too. My past history with men has not changed. I always find the ones that burn out of the feelings for companionship and only want it when they want it.

I am a stickler for anonymity so I'll call one the good boy and the other the lost boy.

I see the lost boy on a regular basis. We've gone to one BDSM event in South Western Michigan, and had a blast. I'm far to easy on him than normal. Probably because I care deeply for him. My first mistake. I have the uncanny ability to let men who are lazy subs walk all over me. Call a spade a spade, I am a wuss when I care about them. Lost boy needs me. He doesn't know just how much yet. I'm not sure if I'm willing to give him everything only to be in the same boat I was with Brian, only to get hurt again.

The good boy isn't always good, he is selective in his communication. This drives me INSANE. I have no inhibitions with the good boy. Yet I still cut him slack. I am nothing yet consistantly disappointing myself in that regard.

Sometimes I think in this sea of pine and oak and birch I live in (literally) I am alone.. the lone willow that weeps for herself and others. Not necessarily in that order. I want so desperately to be the one someone wants and needs that I will do anything, say anything to get that response. How unhealthy is that?

The snow will fall soon, my branches will be bare and exposed, much like they are now. I'm contemplating delving into my writing again, as I tend not to have this need while the weather is warm and the sun shines long hours of the day.

Old friends keep cropping up. (Hi Shaari, welcome to the willow grove. You'll get used to my symbolism and gothic nature to my rants)

And new old friends remain. I love you Wendy, without you, my life would be darker and even moonlight could not find me.

More after this weekend; last artshow of the season... maybe... maybe one more in October.

What goes around

2009-02-17T21:34:00.002-05:00

I never was fully convinced beyond the basic concept of Karma.

I've never been a vindictive person... sure I've been angry and wanted bad things to happen to people that have wronged me. But never did I think if I 'turned the other cheek' and went on my merry way, would Karma deal them with a hand that was in direct confrontation with what they feared or were unable to handle themselves.

People say " God doesn't give you what you can't handle "

Now anyone that knows me knows, I don't necessary subscribe to that theory.

In this case, after being with Brian for 2 years, knowing he had no interest in children. Knowing he was very confused about his interest in Crossdressing and being used by men. And thinking I could change him and we'd be together forever... was a precursor for my Karmic eventuality.

Once I realised that he wouldn't change, that anything I encouraged or discouraged would just amplify his interests... I got lazy...

Eventually when he broke up with me in July, I could have unwrapped a very bitter disclosure about his interests to his friend and family who would be mortified. Did I want to? Yes. Did I ? No, counting on Karma to find a moment in his life to hand him something that would balance the bad he dealt me.

My friend M, formerly a co worker, informed me that her cousin was with a guy, named Brian, who was from Rockford, who installed dog fences... liked to hunt and fish, last name is the same and was pregnant.

Just goes to show you, you don't have to fuck someone over when they do wrong to you... it happens naturally...

I'm so giddy it's terrible... but it looks like being good isn't all that bad... :)

Absence...

2009-02-09T23:10:00.004-05:00

Four long months.... and the willow stands alone.

I keep going on and on with this Tree analogy and honestly after today's events I've about had it with my attempts at gliding through life and acting as if nothing effects me.

I've been 'let go' from my position and there are no 'compatible' jobs for me at Corporate. I have since December lost touch with Rick... VERY disappointed in that. And further... my newest acquaintance is proving to be another poor decision in judgment.

Right now it's raining.. and what normally calms and soothes me... the pattern of droplets falling on the roof; is slowly pushing me further along the downward spiral.

Fighting becoming a curled up ball of nothing is going to be very difficult. My eyes dart everywhere for some sign of solace or salvation, with no eventual relief.

One pair of eyes move over these words and they belong to a wonderful woman I am privileged to call my friend. Perhaps it's best that the fewer that see how close I am again to that black hole of emotional darkness since Gavin died, the better.

I hold it all together for my Mom's sake. But it's going to come to a head soon and spill out like so much pent up anger I have no idea how it will resolve its self.

I'm too old to be angry at the world and I'm too young to be 'okay' with all the absolute bullshit that's been handed me.

All I want to do is sink further into the arms of someone... anyone... and how sad is that?
Right now I'd settle for a Lumberjack with a chainsaw.

Trees have eyes, yet they cannot see

2008-10-20T20:15:00.002-04:00

My eyes...

They see things differently than how you see them. You look at a tree and see a tree. I look at the tree and see how it bends to the unforgiving force of the wind..and I feel it; the gnarled bark and twisted limbs that climb to the sky to capture the slightest ray of sunshine, or fall to the earth and river to desperately seek the nourishment it needs to survive. My eyes see more than leaves, roots and thick, bulky trunks.

I am a tree... sometimes old... withered... needy tree who's branches find some comfort wrapped around ideals and memories that fade with each passing day....

Other times... willowy, graceful (at least trying to be) and always searching to shelter, protect and keep safe those that cannot fend for themselves. The water of the river that runs so deep, reflect the need to protect as be protected... to bring order in otherwise chaos.Teaming with life and exuberance; taking in every opportunity to do more than get by on the bank of the river, but to truly LIVE.

My eyes see... things you may not. Even in the darkness of the many different kinds of trees around me. If you could see what I see..... Who knows what you'd think of me then...

Who knows...

Back from the past

2008-10-19T18:48:00.002-04:00

I'm back from vacation and it was more than enlightening.

I learned a lot about myself and how I view the world. How things change and how I compromise myself for the sake of pleasing others and getting attention.

I'll post pictures when I get them uploaded, I had to order a new USB cord for my camera, because I can't find the one it came with. My bad.

For now, I have decided that as difficult as it may be, I will not have disconnected 'encounters' any longer. While my time with Bill was for the most part outstanding in the physical aspect, the emotional fall out was unforgiving. I tried so hard not to let myself sabotage what could have been an all around very good time. While taking him to his mom's in Utica, I lost it and pretended I was experiencing some 'contact lens' issues. It was obvious what was going on and of course it made him feel terrible and he tried his best to ignore it.

Seeing Rob was amazing... and yet also melancholy for me. It's funny how we put people on pedestals and keep them there for so long... perhaps he will continue to be on one in my mind's eye.

The bright light of all of this was before my attempt at emotional hari kari, I got a text from rick. It brought a much needed smile to my face and something positive to look forward.

Further; Wendy came with me to the concert originally scheduled to be attended by Bill. I was seriously upset when he, at the last minute bailed out. Of course I sounded like it was no big deal but being an over-planner, and this the only thing I had planned MONTHS in advance, it really upset me. Needless to say I won't be going to Seattle in the spring. And I can predict that the communication with Bill will cease to exist most likely after Christmas/Yule.

The Concert was amazing. Great music... good times. I was really glad that She came with me. I can't wait for the wedding. I'm so happy for them.

When a seed is planted a tree may grow

2008-10-06T20:04:00.001-04:00

Every life has it's journey... Each person affects the path I walk. Friends, family they shape me still, even as I age, mature, make decisions for myself.
It's taken a long time for me to learn to walk my own path and not rely on others opinions, approval and ideals so much.

I am a complicated woman in an ever simplifying, instant gratification seeking world.

I've met three... I've wondered if they know I think in terms of trees... they will now... He is her Master... her sun and rain... He tends her well and nurtures her like the wonder she is... She is *sigh*... she is a lightening touched maple... her arms open wide like full branches of crimson and fire orange... it's dazzling really... I look forward to the nights under the stars I might kneel and look up in wonder, stretching my arms up with curious fingers.. tracing, if She allows; the marks from the blade that saved her.

My third... my hopeful... an oak... at least for now it is what I see in the fog of distance and wishful thinking... Tall, steady, learned... more on the oak when the mist lifts and I am able to climb to the top and rest in the limbs.

Another journey begins soon... two paths; running parallel to one another...